


15

by insunshine



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-20
Updated: 2006-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-13 03:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insunshine/pseuds/insunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan thinks about how different his life is now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	15

It’s stupid, but sometimes he wakes up and he forgets that he’s not 15 anymore.

 

It’s not that 15 was like, a super-pivotal age or something. He got his car then, and he and Lilly moved from bed-sex to backseat-of-said-car-sex, and even though at the time, those things seemed Very, Very Important, it’s not like they really _were_.

 

Nothing _happened_ ; but sometimes, when he wakes up and he’s really quiet, and he’s slept funny, and he can’t see the ceiling tiles, just for a second, less than, maybe, he can’t quite remember how old he is, and what he is, and _where_ he is.

 

And it’s not like he misses that house (even though it was his first real one (not counting the two-level apartment they had in New York when he was a baby, or the commune in Nevada that nobody’s supposed to know about, that they all lived on up ‘til he was 6) and everything he’d ever had of anything, really, is gone), or Aaron, or the beatings, or Lynn, even, even though when she wasn’t drunk or toasted, she actually _tried_ (sometimes. Or, she at least told the maid to). 

 

He doesn’t miss anything.

 

He’s always been ready, so it’s not that. Ever since he could crawl, and Aaron spent his leisure time leaving scars on his back (that he still has) with his slowly burning cigarettes, he’s been _ready_ ; to get out there, to leave this shit behind, to _get away_. 

 

He read something in a book once (before Aaron burned that too, and the tears had scalded his eyes as he’d watched the pages splinter into flames before he could stop it), he can’t remember the name of it now (yes he can), but the description was something like, _rush, rush, rush. Hurry, hurry, hurry;_ and he’d always felt like that.

 

He’d always had a place to go, and things to do and people to see, even if that place was only the beach, and those people were only Duncan and Lilly (and Veronica, later).

 

The doing was different. The doing he could have done at his house (it was never home. Not that this is either), because he can’t like, _ever_ sit still (less now, and he doesn’t know if that’s because he’s more _adult_ now, and has gotten less twitchy, or because he does his twitching inside his head instead of outside of it).

 

So it’s not like he misses being 15. There’s nothing to miss about it. Well, of course there are things, like Lilly (but in this like, abstract way, because she was never who he thought she was), and Beaver not being crazy (or, if he really thinks about it, Beaver was probably crazy then too, he just…hid it better) and well, and Duncan.

 

He misses Duncan, and it’s weird, because it’s not like they’ve talked in over a year, and it’s not like they talked much before Kane the Younger took flight with his illegitimate baby, but when he was 15…they _talked_.

 

When _they_ were 15 (it’s weird, because DK always _felt_ older, even though the distance between their birthdays is only 42 days, 16 hours, and some change) they talked all the time. They talked so much that their ears bled. They talked so much that they could do that freaky finishing each other’s sentences thing, like Lilly and Veronica; but less cute, and much less frequently (in public).

 

They talked so much that Logan thought no one would ever know him as well as Duncan did (this has been disproved time and time again, but when he was 15, Logan didn’t know that).

 

And it’s not like he misses the New Duncan (because that guy was sullen, and a liar, and he _left_ , dammit), because he doesn’t. So maybe it’s that he doesn’t miss Duncan at all, as much as he misses the _idea_ of Duncan.

 

Which, even though it sounds better than just plain missing _Duncan_ (because that would have to include the most recent model, who he doesn’t miss at all), is still lame and confusing as all hell, and so when he thinks these thoughts, and it’s early, and still dark, he just rolls over and goes back to sleep, because he’s _not_ 15 anymore, and Duncan-any incarnation of him, is probably never going to come back to Neptune.

 

And he _doesn’t_ want him to (although he would make a _really_ sick Uncle Logan), unless there’s a guarantee that it’ll be the Old Duncan and not the new one, it would be nice to get a phone call, or a postcard or something.

 

And he knows it’s not possible-he’s not stupid, he just wishes…sometimes he just wishes Duncan had at least said goodbye, because, well, because Neptune, and his parents and Lilly (the First) and Veronica, they aren’t the only people he left behind.


End file.
